Our Favorite Dinosaurs

Dorkasaurus enjoys quantum theory and visiting aquariums.

Trannysaurus Rex co-hosts a show with RuPaul.

MichaelCeratops only likes quirky teen movies.

Pregosaurus is always pregnant. Usually with triplets.

Velamearaptor is that guy at the party who plays the Macarena.

Spookasaurus sneaks up on you inappropriately.

Megaboreus only talks about Kant and Derrida.

Stareadactyl won't stop fucking looking at me.

Talking Points

Today, the guy in front of me at Duane Reade bought 2 things: a giant jug of Pedialyte and a Durex fingertip vibrator. Discuss.

Things People Call Me

Cataract
Catatonic
Catastrophe
Catamaran
Catness
Catapult
Catorama
Catharsis
Catherind
Catattack

Cat's Conclusions

Stuffing mix is toast in a bag.

Paul's Social Suggestions

Before walking through any door, study the doorknob as though it were a completely foreign object. After a lengthy and thorough inspection, tentatively use it. When the door opens, act startled, dash through quickly, then as you're walking away keep glancing back at it uneasily with a look of complete distrust, as if you'd expect it to pounce on you.

Go around dropping objects on the floor, then blurting "Oops!" in a voice that is inappropriately loud, but only slightly.

Tie your right and left shoelaces together, then stumble around with a look of frustrated confusion, as if you didn't understand why walking was so difficult all of a sudden.

As you walk around, keep glancing upwards intently with furrowed brow, as if you were trying to find a small object stuck to the ceiling (if you're indoors), or you were trying to spot a distant flying object (if you're outdoors). If you notice anyone else instinctively glancing upwards upon seeing you, ask him or her, "What are you looking at?"

Try to wordlessly hand people assorted small objects, like paperclips and buttons. No matter what they do in response, shout "Hey!"

When someone's talking to you for an extended period of time, nod continuously in agreement, but alternate muttering "yup" and "nope" under your breath. When they finish talking, ask "What?"

Sing loudly in falsetto whenever you're in a bathroom.

Issue strong warnings and reprimands where you would typically emphasize the word "NOT". However, use contractions and awkwardly emphasize "N'T". For example,

"Really, that isN'T funny!"
"Please, doN'T make me repeat myself!"
"No, I woN'T clean up your mess!"

Modern Conjugation

Almost any word makes a convincing euphemism for either sex or diarrhea. Same goes for either drugs or vomiting. Let's give it a try:

Noodles:
Let's noodle. I've got the noodles. I just ate some noodles. I'm going to noodle.

Awesome:
We totally awesomed. I've got a little bit of an awesome situation. I just scored some awesome. I'm about to get awesome.

Scrabble:
I need a good scrabble. Those clams gave me the scrabbles. Stop bogarting the scrabble. I think I'm about to scrabble on your floor.

Please feel free to add your own.

Uncomfortable Word Combinations

Scrotch
Discombovulation
Circumfission
Pustulate
Escargogurt
Jock strep
Snipple
Mayonasal
Scroitus
Taintrum
Brotein
Hummusk
Splaturation
Crabbage
Pukeumber

Paul's SAT Essays

Does alcohol have a net positive impact or a net negative impact on the likelihood that you will someday procreate? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Randromes

Major fat afro jam
Straw man's 'nam warts
So…cat tacos?
Somalia, bailamos!
A ham on Omaha
Bore robot to bore Rob
Emo has a home
A slab o' balsa
Drab gums, smug bard
Senile divide lines
Swap To Greg. Its Tiger got paws!
Part-time emit trap
Liam Neeson no seen mail
Rabbi R.'s Rib Bar
Lion N' oil
Trampy gyp mart
Snack on OK cans
A jab at a Baja
Tug war. O no, raw gut!
Rehab, o, so no soba her
So I dare her, adios
Keep at it! Tit, a peek
Bard o so drab
Til see slit
Oh, kayak ho!

Cat's Conclusions

The best way to get a girl to like you is to demonstrate your abusive qualities right up front, so she knows that the back-handing is only a few dates away.